Non-Traditional Paths to Fatherhood
First…
HAPPY JUNETEENTH!
This is one of my favorite holidays! It is the only independence day I acknowledge. Tomorrow with the rest of the nation, I will celebrate how we have thrived under unbearable and oppressive systems. I honor the sacrifices and achievements of Black people. Amen? Amen.
So… yes. It’s also Father’s Day today. And chile… just like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day is soooo emotional for me. Probably worse. I don’t think people really take Father’s Day seriously like Mother’s Day. Which is shitty because there are some good dads and step-fathers out here. And to be honest, I almost didn’t write this blog, Village. I will address that later in the blog. It is 7:25am. I literally woke up to write this because it was so heavy in my spirit. I am sleepy and I am just gonna write what I feel.
Fathers aren’t celebrated enough. Actual fathers and I am not talking about the IG-lemme-post-pictures-since-I-got-my-child-for-the-weekend “fathers”. Cause that is a thing. Social media pappies. LOL. Promoting responsible fatherhood is more important than ever now. Always has been but especially now. The world is changing and demanding a positive change and Black fathers need to be at the helm. But it has to be healthy. Healthy Black fathers. It is not enough to discuss Black fatherhood without also understanding the context within which Black men operate. There needs to be more resources to support Black fathers. That is a rabbit hole I won’t get into today. Cause why? We celebrating! But just know, I see the lack of support as a whole for Black fathers and It needs to be addressed.
I want to honor all of the Daddies who have non traditional paths to daddyhood. I know it is a celebratory day for most, it’s also a day tainted with grief for those who have lost their fathers, men or fathers who struggle with losses and or infertility, fathers who have buried children, or those who’ve experienced damaging childhoods. And if any of those are your experience, my heart goes out to you. I remember you. You are not forgotten.
All “fathering” should be honored, biological or spiritual. It is not only a biological parent that can reach “a level of love and self-sacrifice,” so here I share with you my words of affirmation to the unsung heroes who deserve recognition on Father’s Day.
Paw Paws: Thank you. You probably spent the second quarter of your life working and raising your own babies. Little did you know that for whatever unseen reasons, you would be raising your own child’s children too. These youngins need something stable to hang on to—a cultural connection, a sense of their own past, a hope for their own future. Most of all, they need what grandfathers can give them. Your unconditional love is so unmovable that regardless of how difficult, this is not a decision you regret making. You are the root of the family. There’s nothing like Paw Paw and his fishing trips. I honor you.
Uncles: Uncles are always the faves. You are a relief for your nieces and nephews. You love them as your own children but always the one to remind their parent to just fucking relax. LOL Thank you for pouring into the village. Being a shoulder and a refuge for the parents and the kids. Showing up whenever you are needed to give a pep talk to the kids or put a bandaid on a booboo. The first adult best friend that most children have. I appreciate your guidance.Thank you for standing in the gap. I honor you.
Godparents/Your Parent’s friends: Good friends are hard to come by and when you have friends worthy enough to be called God Parents, it speaks volumes. God Parents serve as that extra pair of hands/set of eyes and ears and help provide a stable foundation. Even if it’s a “bring that baby on over here, and get you some rest,” the opportunity for support that is given when a proper GodParent steps up is a blessing. Like really, promising to raise a baby in the event that something happens to the parent?? A lot. I honor you.
Fathers of Angel Babies: YOU ARE A FATHER! Let’s start there. If you created life, you are a father. Don’t ever let anyone take that from you. I really hope your heart allows you to celebrate this day. Celebrate yourself. If anyone deserves to celebrate it’s you.
Fathers who are in the LGBTQIA Community: I know it is hard to be you in this fucked up ass world of stares and whispers. But thank you for being an example of how to be you in a society that tells you what a father should be and look like. May you be an example of perseverance in the midst of adversities. I honor you.
Transmen/Non-binary Fathers: Non cisgendered fathers don’t get the recognition that they deserve. After weathering such a transition saying “Happy Father’s Day” to a fathers that happens to be trans cause provide such words of affirmation. You deserve it. It is not only about diversity but just the bond between a parent and child. Regardless of what you are called mama, daddy or whatever else.. I hope that love around you is constant. I support and I honor you.
Stepfathers: I am sure being in a blended family has its adjustments. Thank you for being a bonus parent. Loving your partner’s children as your own. Sometimes it takes a while for everyone to get used to but for the most part with love, understanding and patience, all is well. I honor you.
Foster/Adoptive Fathers: You are amazing. Not only do you provide basic needs for your child(ren), but I imagine that you sit alongside them as they digest the hurt or damage that they may have undeservingly experienced. You are there to answer all the questions. Providing a life and standing in the gap also to show up for those children. You are an angel on earth. I honor you.
Fathers that are Incarcerated: You are not forgotten. Life is hard and I refuse to pass judgment like I haven’t made some fucked up decisions in my own life. Please know I am on the other side praying for the strength of your relationship with your children and hoping you come home soon. I honor you.
To the rest of the Village (teachers, counselors, mentors, neighbors community members): We are all in it together raising the future. We are responsible for these future makers. Please let’s make sure we support each other. It takes a village to raise a child.. AND a father. Thank you for all that you have done. I honor you.
I hope you felt loved and cared for. I hope you felt it in and through my words. I am sending love, light, healing, and comforting spirits to you. Please take what you need.
Love,
Your Doula
and to my Father..
I miss you so much. I still remember your voice. I remember your hearty laugh. This is my 12th Father’s Day without you and it never gets easier. Time does not heal all wounds. Time just bends broken bones. You were the best Father a girl could ever have. The best #GIRLDAD. I love and miss you with ever part of my soul. I love you, Daddy.
M.L.R.
January 8, 1956 - March 1, 2010
